There's an awful lots of nuts in the EU, but only a few in Brazil

Gracious. After that last round of posts, one would think this blog was run by historians...oh wait.

As the sole non-historian among we three non kings of Orient or any other place, I feel compelled to open the window and let in some damaging UV rays and some bracing bleak Midwinter's air before the good Doctor succumbs to more history of the day action. (However, as my education in poetry depended heavily upon 1920's poetry texts, I did appreciate the shout out for John Greenleaf Whittier, direct descendant of Legolas through the distaff line.)

In this festive season, I direct your attention to this short piece in the Daily Telegraph, "EU Bans Christmas". The only thing that assures me that this is a parody is that the EU did not issue directives against the Christmas pudding, which, as all readers of Dickens know, is traditionally decorated with flammable objects, such as sprigs of holly, and then is set ablaze with high proof alcohol, or against the Christmas cracker, which contains gunpowder that could doubtless be used for nefarious purposes, much less that glorious creation, the Tischbombe. Believe me; no bureaucrat could pass up the opportunity to ban a Tischbombe. Of course judging from all reports, if the EU were so rash as to ban the Tischbombe, Denmark would leave the EU immediately. And need I mention the practice of real candles on Christmas trees? I think it safe to conclude therefore that the piece is parody, for the moment at least.

But Great Britain labours under another Christmas Cheer Crusher, a declining supply of Brazil nuts. Now, I know several people who would opine that what the world needs to make it a better place is fewer Brazil nuts. They will be happy to know that the EU, in its continuing quest to abolish death from its borders, has adopted their position. The EU has demanded that all Brazil nuts be tested to ensure that their aflatoxin levels are less than four milligrams of toxin per kilogram of nuts.

Of course, no self respecting Brazil nut would be caught with less than four milligrams of toxin per kilogram of nuts. They grow in Brazil in the jungle for goodness sake. Has anyone noticed that the laws of Nature are particularly stark in jungles? If the Brazil nut tree wishes to propagate, it has to protect its wee seed (True, its fruit weighs 3 pounds, but to Bertholletia Excelsa that's wee.) from being eaten it needs to stuff it full of insecticides hence the high levels of aflatoxin, Nature's own Sevin. Thus, unaware of the dire necessity of having to comply with an EU directive, the Brazil Nut tree keeps producing aflatoxin laden nuts.

This recalcitrance upon the part of the Brazil nut, riots in Bolivia, and a below average harvest have brought about a Brazil nut shortage. Not only has this caused panic among Three Musketeers devotees, but it has come as a blow to the English people who apparently view the over consumption of Brazil nuts as a key part of the Christmas celebrations. (I have no idea why the Brazil nut has attained this mythic status. Surely the noble English walnut should occupy this position, but no doubt Wiccans have established a link between Brazil nuts and ancient Celtic solstice rituals, and that was that.) As chestnuts roasting over the open fire are to we Yanks, who sadly no longer have chestnuts and have to import them from Europe, so apparently are Brazil nuts to the English Christmas psyche. Thus, panic sweeps the nation at the notion of a shortage and the gloom only increases. Bah, Humbug.

But for the truly festive, I always says it is hard to surpass the joie de vive of an Eagles fan. True, I embrace the Negadelphia theory. (If the Eagles lose to the Redskins, however, I'm going to have to do some Visigoth through Thrace rampaging of my own, right down K Street.) Nonetheless, I say, "Fly, Eagles, fly! "