Memo from the Rector

I know my compatriots will appreciate this. An appallingly possible memo from an Episcopal Rector

I have noticed with growing alarm a growing state of confusion surrounding the distribution of Communion. As someone with a keen interest in the correct and proper procedures let me take a few moments to explain exactly how things are supposed to be done.

All baptized persons are welcome to receive Holy Communion as long as they
believe in the Real Presence of Christ as either Risen Lord, Rabbinic Authority, Holy Spirit Person, or Great Ethical Teacher.

If you prefer to receive Communion under the conventional species of bread (St. Mary's Convent - Wahoo, Nebraska) and wine (Ernest and, Julio Gallo Classic Port -California 1994) please stand or kneel at the rail with your hands by your side. If the nitrates in the Port induce nasal Congestion, a light Chablis (Sutter Home 1993), Zinfandel (Paul Masson - April), or Dandelion (St. Mary's Convent - Thursday) is offered depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing your right hand behind your head. Two non-alcoholic options are also offered. For red grape
juice (Tucker's Berry Farms), place your left hand behind your head. If you prefer a white pasteurized grape juice product, kindly place both hands behind your head. To express solidarity with oppressed farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your mouth and hum La Marseillaise...

To receive an ordinary unleavened Communion wafer kindly wink your right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified organic whole-grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low-salt, low-fat bread, close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten-free bread, blink both eyes rapidly while looking at the ceiling.

Next, a word on the consumption of the host. If it is your custom and preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hands, please cup them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine preference, the minister will allow ample time to change postures. If you feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simply assume the baby bird position as the minister approaches. Be sure not to extend your neck so far that the acolyte cannot see your eyelids by which you will express your bread preference...

At St. George's it is our commitment to see that the worship experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error-free as possible. In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be installed over the altar outlining these instructions. Please note that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash in orange for easy reference...