How's your stomach feeling? Strong? Ready for grossness? Then click on over to the Weekly Standard site and read what Matt Labash has to say about Hugh Hefner. He think's he's a liberator, but actually he's a nutcase. Hugh, not Matt.

Here are some revelations you probably didn't need to know.

Hugh is Sensitive: "Hefner is a gentle lover, Zehme [Hugh's ghostwriter] tells us, presumably not from personal experience, though one can't be sure with sentences like: 'Feelings intensified, as they are wont to, and walls changed to portals, as his gentleness would impress each woman he ever knew.' How Hefner had a chance to survey each woman, when he was pinned at the bottom of a Sealy Posturepedic dogpile, Zehme doesn't specify."

Hugh is Really Kind of Nuts: "Blessed with a white-trash palate (he loves Wonder Bread, but only fresh from an unopened pack), Hefner still manages to be so fussy that his round-the-clock kitchen staff keeps a meticulous log in the butler's pantry, along with photographs, detailing his meal preparations right down to the vegetable arrangements and placement of the salt and pepper shaker on his bed tray...A fried chicken fiend (he's declared himself 'pretty horny for some fried chicken'),...He requires three drumsticks per meal, and the drumsticks, when ordered from the butcher, must weigh 2.8 to 3 ounces, while thighs should weigh 3.5 to 4 ounces and breasts should be 22 to 25 ounces."


Post-Coital Breakfast Recommendations: "After a good, clean mansion orgy, which Zehme somehow knows is 'always happily consensual, full of good cheer and humor, lacking inhibition and later regret,' Hefner also likes to chow. Even in the middle of the night, his requisite post-coital meal (the book actually contains a photo of it) is 'eggs, sunny side up, with bacon, crisp. Hash brown potatoes. Buttered toast, grape jelly, a cold glass of milk, and applesauce. Followed by French toast. All served on a bed tray.' Admonishing Hefner to 'get a room"'would never be appropriate, since he logs more rack-time than '70s-era Brian Wilson. 'Get a table at Denny's,' would be more like it."

Quotable End: "Perhaps Hefner really has changed America. If so, someone should hold his nose in it."